In 1988, the KLF (who had a hit in the late 80’s with their insipid remix of the Dr Who theme) self-published a semi-ironic guide to topping the UK charts. The text of The Manual (How to Have a Number One the Easy Way) is available online. It is an entertaining read, and full of wisdom: Link.
This passage about how to write the chorus of a hit song is perceptive:
The lyrics for the chorus must never deal with anything but the most basic of human emotions. This is not us trying to be cynical in a clever sort of way when we say “stick to the cliches”. The cliches are the cliches because they deal with the emotional topics we all feel. No records are bought in vast quantities because the lyrics are intellectually clever or deal in strange and new ideas. In fact, the lyrics can be quite meaningless in a literal sense but still have a great emotional pull. An obvious example of this was the chorus of our own record:
“Doctor Who, hey Doctor Who Doctor Who, in the Tardis Doctor Who, hey Doctor Who Doctor Who, Doc, Doctor Who Doctor Who, Doc, Doctor Who”
Gibberish of course, but every lad in the country under a certain age related instinctively to what it was about. The ones slightly older needed a couple of pints inside them to clear away the mind debris left by the passing years before it made sense. As for girls and our chorus, we think they must have seen it as pure crap. A fact that must have limited to zero our chances of staying at The Top for more than one week.
Stock, Aitkin and Waterman, however, are kings of writing chorus lyrics that go straight to the emotional heart of the 7″ single buying girls in this country. Their most successful records will kick into the chorus with a line which encapsulates the entire emotional meaning of the song. This will obviously be used as the title. As soon as Rick Astley hit the first line of the chorus on his debut single it was all over – the Number One position was guaranteed:
“I’m never going to give you up”
It says it all. It’s what every girl in the land whatever her age wants to hear her dream man tell her. Then to follow that line with:
“I’m never gonna let you down I’m never going to fool around or upset you”
GENIUS.
As soon as they had those lyrics written they must have known they could have taken out a block booking on the Number One slot. Then within the next twelve months to have written the chorus:
“I should be so lucky Luck, lucky, lucky I should be so lucky in love”
Out of context, as meaningless to lads as our own Doctor Who chorus was to girls but in those three lines there are for many more meaning than in the complete collected works of Morrisey. Stock Aitkin and Waterman are able to spot a phrase, not actually a catchphrase, but a line that the nation will know exactly what is been talked about and then use it perfectly:
“Fun Love and Money” “Showing Out” “Got To Be Certain” “Respectable” “Toy Boy” “Cross My Broken Heart”
They are ridiculed by much of the media and only have their royalty statements for comfort. History will put them up there with Spectre and the boys. Waterman might be a loud mouthed, arrogant, narrow minded, self publicist, but the man has never outgrown his true, deep and genuine love of “Now” pop music.
The year that the pair of us spent working with Stock Aitkin and Waterman pulled into focus what we had learned about pop music throughout the rest of our lives.
Michael Jackson may be the biggest singing star in the world. Sold more L.P.s than any other artist at any time in the history of pop but he has had very few U.K. Number Ones. If he would like to make amends on this front he should start co-writing with the SAW team or read this manual. He has quite a bit to learn about the opening line of a chorus.
We have just taken a coffee break from writing this lot and while in the cafe have come up with the ultimate Stock Aitkin and Waterman chorus never written. It’s called “Live In Lover”, either performed by Sinitta or ideally by a Dagenham blonde called Sharon:
“Live in lover I want you to be My live in lover for eternity”
Either use it for yourselves or we will go and blow what last vestiges of credibility we have and do it ourselves. We can see it now: we’d call the act “Sharon Meets the KLF” and of course the b-side would have to be “Sharon Joins The JAMS”. If there are any good looking Sharons out there that want to be pop stars please don’t hesitate to contact us.
We are afraid you can’t just go down to the local supermarket and listen to the check-out girls’ talk and hope you can pick up the right line before Waterman gets to it. The line has to come to you and when it does you’ve got to grab it. Mindlessly singing along to the 12″ groove track you have is the best way.
Morrisey has undoubtedly come up with some of the wittiest titles of the decade. “Shakespeare’s Sister”, “Girlfriend In A Coma” or “William It Was Really Nothing” are classic. However, with titles like these he will always be guaranteed a non Top Five placing.
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